To clarify: when I say "mean" I don't mean go out of your
way to be rude and insensitive. I just mean
stop going so out of your way “just” to protect his feelings.
The examples I gave on my first post of those guys I dated were not meant to be
a model for you to follow. I was just using an extreme case to illustrate the
point that men can
take the heat, and if anything, they become more intrigued by a woman who
doesn't make them the sole center of her universe.
Let's get tangible with an example.
I have a friend who has been involved in “friends with benefits” type of
relationship with this guy for about several months now. The problem is she has
always secretly wanted them to be something more than FWB's and he made it
clear that he didn't want to do the relationship thing with her.
Eventually (with a lot of heavy urging from me), she started seeing
what else was out there and found a guy she kinda liked (not as much as the
FWB, but enough).
She kept the new guy a secret from the FWB for months and when things
started to get more serious she--again, with heavy urging from me-- told the
FWB about the new guy and put an end to the "benefits."
The FWB, of course, was pouty and acted all sad and hurt. And even
though he brought this upon herself, she kept trying to make him feel better!
She told him that he was the one she really cared about, that she
wanted to still hang out and be friends. She even texted him the night of their
talk to see how he was doing.
I was furious! This guy used her for several months, he knew she had
feelings for him and he continued to string her along, knowing he would never
give her what she wanted. And here she was trying to make him feel better!
The fact is, if she had been a little more heartless, this guy would
have come crawling back on his hands and knees.
Guys don't like to be
babied, and they're turned off by girls who act
like they have something to prove.
By checking on him and apologizing to him, she basically let him know
that he was still her number one priority and if he wanted, she'd ditch the new
guy in a second.
Now if she had been more cavalier and firm about things, he would
have realized that he was at the risk of losing her. If he had “genuine”
feelings, which he claimed to, he would have snapped into shape real quick and
made sure this new guy was gone.
Even though their FWB days are over, this girl will still never
ignore a call or text or instant message from this guy. Whenever he wants to
talk, she's there.
And when I ask her why she bothers, her response is she doesn't want
to hurt him. Or that he needs her. Or that she doesn't want to be mean.
So basically by being so nice, she's sabotaging her chances of getting
what she really wants and is unconsciously preventing herself from really
moving on and letting go.
This is a classic situation were being a little mean can go a long
way!
So what's the deal? Why do guys respond to spice so much more than
sugar?
It's not that "men love bitches," (not the bitch you’re
thinking right about this minute, read Why Men Love Bitches by Sherry Argov)
it's that they love a woman who doesn't need them, who can stand her own and
won't hold back from speaking her mind for fear that she'll lose her guy.
That's how I was in my relationships with those exes who won't go
away. I was an extreme example, but it speaks to the same point. I wasn't afraid
of losing any of them, and because of that, they saw me as a rare gem and tried
(and are still trying!) everything to get my attention.
Again, I'm not saying you should be cold and heartless. I'm saying
you should dial it back just a little bit. Remember, guys don't need to be
coddled, in fact, if you do that to a guy he'll probably end up resenting you.
Also, stop being so worried that you're gonna say or do something
wrong! This is the biggest tip I can give. So many of our readers torture
themselves because they're afraid they messed up with a guy by saying something
that hurt him.
It's always good to apologize when you've been out of line, but it
won't make him lose interest. What will make him lose interest is if you act
desperate after the mean thing you did and smother him while trying to make up
for it.